2nd favorite joke

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered "sure".
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep. "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?", "OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business...... Now give me back my dog."

Why God invented beer

Beer

Boycott Anheuser-Busch!

Join me in boycotting Anheuser-Busch as they've sold out to foreigners.

Drop your beer off at my house and I will dispose of it.

We'll teach those basts.

My favorite joke

An unemployed man applies for a job with Microsoft as a cleaner. The manager there arranges for an aptitude test. After the test, the manager says: "You will be appointed on the scale of $30 per day. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and advise you where to report for work on your first day."

Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address. To this the manager replies: "Well then, that really means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned, the man leaves the Microsoft office. Not knowing where to turn and only having about $10 left, he decides to buy a 10kg box of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly to office workers in the city for their lunch, at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. That's 3 times what he was offered as a cleaner, so it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes.

Getting up early and earlier every day and going to bed late and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short time. Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly afterwards for a pick-up truck. By the end of the first year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of several hundred former unemployed people, all selling vegetables.

Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life assurance. Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order that he might forward the documentation.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned: "What, you don't even have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would have been by now, if you had been connected from the very start!" After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied: "Sure! I would have been a cleaner at Microsoft!"

It's a form of a story written by Somerset Maugham. I took a survey course on Maugham my final senior year at A&M. The Verger. Read it if you have a chance here.

I don't know why I find this hilarious, but it is...

Amy Dickinson's unintentional funny…

Dear Amy: I'm responding to the letter from "Anonymous," who said she and her husband did not want children. Now, all of a sudden, she doubts her decision not to have kids.

Let me tell her: "Don't do it!" I didn't want any children, and after just one exposure I had a baby.

It doesn't end there, because they just keep coming. I raised my child. I raised the grandchild, and now I'm raising my great-grandchild.

How many times a day do I say to myself, "We should have used a condom."

––Also Anonymous

Dear Also: Your letter illustrates the unfortunate consequence of raising an unwanted child, who in your case evidently stayed unwanted.

I take the fact that you raised a grandchild and are now raising a great-grandchild as evidence that your attitude toward children filtered down to your own child––and your grandchild, as well.

When you found yourself pregnant after one "exposure," you could have placed your baby for adoption and at least given it a chance of growing up with motivated and loving parents. Two generations later, it seems unfortunate that you didn't make this choice.

Unlike you, "Anonymous" wants to have a baby, though she says her husband doesn't. One can only hope that if she chooses to have a baby, it will be cherished.

Yes, I stole this from another blog, but it's still appropriate

I'm reminded of the time that Catherine, a little girl in our old neighborhood, told me that she wanted to be President one day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there with us and I asked Catherine, "If you were President what would be the first thing you would do? "'

Catherine replied, "I would give houses to all the homeless people. "

"Wow - what a worthy goal you have there Catherine. " I told her (while both parents beamed), "but, you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and clean up all the dog poop in the back yard and I will pay you $5 dollars. Then we can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out and you can give him the $5 dollars to use for a new house."

Catherine (who was about 4) thought that over for a second and then replied, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and clean up the dog poop himself and you can pay him the $5 dollars."

Welcome to the Republican Party, Catherine.....